I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
even bears disappoint their mothers
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg