My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me too 😆
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
