[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Ion see the issue
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Mistakes were made
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first