“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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do what now??
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
HERE’S MARKY
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.