[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war