I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left