Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Just say no
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Feels
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.