My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids