I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My dating profile:
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned