@isabelzawtun

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

@isabelzawtun

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

@isabelzawtun

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

@isabelzawtun

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@isabelzawtun

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

@isabelzawtun

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

@isabelzawtun

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

@isabelzawtun

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep