Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up