COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ