“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
You Might Also Like
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Blew out my flip flop…
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
not for long
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah