therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
normalize having existential bread
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*