me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute