the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”