Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Autocorrect is my menesis
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.