@itsallbollocks

me: you can’t quit school until you’re sixteen
6yo: how much longer is that?
me: ten years

[thirty seconds later]
6yo: and how much longer now?

@itsallbollocks

my kid made a passionate appeal for this to be a vegan home and naturally I agreed so.. welp! time to find a good hiding place for my ice cream

@itsallbollocks

humans: I just want someone to love me
someone: I love you
humans: not you

@itsallbollocks

can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

@itsallbollocks

still don’t understand why gyms pay for electricity when they could convert the exercise machines into mini generators

@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*