Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage