Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…