Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?