Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’