[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news