Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Good morning
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan