“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Oh we’ve met.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.