Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.