the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
philosophical skeletons be like
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.