Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
lol
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos