Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan