Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
If my kids invented a drink.
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Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.