I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
If my kids invented a drink.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.