If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.