I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m tired tomorrow.