Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.