Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.