When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.