Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.