So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.