me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.