me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*