wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one