My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow