wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever