I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Isn’t
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no