No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work