If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!