Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.