I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.