@jackmackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@jackmackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@jackmackenroth

If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.

@jackmackenroth

I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.