People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.