I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol