You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket
I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house
Ate a bag of Sun chips and now I need 300 stitches in my mouth
A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me?
Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride
I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot
‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’