@Jacob_Swift16

You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket

@Jacob_Swift16

I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.

@Jacob_Swift16

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house

@Jacob_Swift16

A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA

@Jacob_Swift16

Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me?

Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride

@Jacob_Swift16

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times

@jacob_swift16

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot

@jacob_swift16

‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people