Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
kitchen magnet
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.