If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You Might Also Like
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
my first day as a raccoon
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.